Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Third Hand

You are sick.  You are dying.  I get it third hand.  Someone else hunts me down and calls me.  Not you.  Yet again I hear things like "His eyes sparkle when he talks about you."  Yet you did not let me see that sparkle on my own.  I've heard "Your Dad loves you so much."  Then why wasn't he there?  "You're his favorite" is perhaps the hardest one to take because I've know.  I've know for a long time.  I've know Mom guilted you into buying a car for me and you did nothing for your other daughter.

And my mind screamed - sometimes still screams WHY!?  Why me?  Not her.  I don't like being the favorite.  My sister is my equal.  But not in your love.

"He says you're so smart."  Then why wasn't he there.  There for school stuff?  There to play his roll as "Dad."

"I didn't want to interfere with the way your mother was raising you."  But it is your job as my father to interfere with the way I am being raised.  It was your job to raise me.   A man she married when I was seventeen and did battle with for years at least attempted to raise me.  I felt more for him in the years he battled the ravages of emphysema and COPD, as I watched him slowly suffocate to death even though at one time I loathe him, perhaps hated him.

I feel nothing.  A bit of societal guilt perhaps because there's that part of me that did the 'should' thing for a few days before I returned the call.  But really?  I feel nothing.  You are in the past.  I do not know you.  You only know me in your mind.  A figment.  A fiction.  An image that is not real.

"He says your mother can make a sewing machine sing."  She can.  She could.  But you and your issues and the traumas and dramas that you buried in alcohol and self-pity destroyed not just your marriage but a family.  You destroyed me.  And it has taken years to build myself back up.  And I am strong because of you and your actions or lack thereof.  But there are no tears to shed.   Not here.  Not over you.

I will say - I do have my cherished memories.  Riding bicycles on Christmas Day when I was six.  Going to the city with you to buy produce and then supplies for the store.  But where was the rest?  Why are they so few?  Where were you when kids at school made fun of me?  For my college graduation?  Where was the child support payments?  Was the car you bought me after Mom guilted you supposed to make up for it?  And if so - where is my sister's?  You took food from out mouths and clothes from our backs.  Oh, sure, Mom made it work.  She's wonder woman.  You?  you're the guy I know third hand.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Soldier Up (Blood & Chrome installments 3-6)

solider-up-blood-chrome-internet-s1-eps3-6 (Jokers Updates)

I'm at it again - new editorial about the last 4 installments of Blood & Chrome.  Still need to catch up with the pair that just went up - but life issues come first.

Milisa

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Blood and Chrome - internet premiere

 I've been at it again, although not quite as I had planned for November.  A super busy work schedule and personal life led to a stressed out writer for Nanowrimo.  I gave that up and let the project crash and burn (for now).  But did manage to find the time to write an op/ed for www.JokersUpdates.com: 
Blood and Chrome: the online premiere

Friday, August 10, 2012

LISSident The Dissident: I Cannot Tell a Lie

http://www.jokersupdates.com/jarticles/article.php?article=1944  Another piece at JokersUpdates.com on the status quo of the house with the latest eviction.

Monday, August 6, 2012

LISSident The Dissident: I Didn't Think

http://www.jokersupdates.com/jarticles/article.php?article=1939
at www.JokersUpdates.com
NO - they didn't.  Back from a weekend trip to the land of no-tech (my mother's) time to catch up with our resident House Guests and some of the idiocy abounding the house.

Friday, July 27, 2012

LISSident the Dissident: Dewey, Cheatem & Howe

http://www.jokersupdates.com/jarticles/article.php?article=1929

Liss is a tad cranky with Big Brother right now.  Okay so Liss is actually just a tad cranky in general.  Read why I'm annoyed with BB over at JokersUpdates.

Religion, Politics, Gun Control & Things I Was Taught Not to Use in Polite Conversation

Apparently what my (brilliant!) momma taught me about not talking about religion, politics, and such in polite conversation don't apply to the wild wild west of places like Facebook.  I'm presently on mental overload from the plethora of Support this - no boycott that!; arm everyone - no take all the guns away!  I love Jesus (okay, yes I do, card carrying member of the I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW JESUS club (in caps because it is a song title) - no you should be tolerate (seriously folks can I be both????)  And given it is a Presidential Election Year Facebook seems to have become something of political billboard hell and of course I have friends on both sides of the liberal/conservative spectrum (I love you all) while I am a raging independent. 
 
Yes folks that means it depends on the issue.  It means that I detest being pigeon-holed.  It means that sometimes I see everyone following a particular bandwagon and when I check my beliefs and check what I know/understand about what the Bible teaches us I see that while it allegedly fits into 'camp X" it also does not fit what Jesus taught. 
 
Tolerance?  Yes - he taught that.  He practiced it.  Why else do you think he didn't drop kick the Pharisees to kingdom come - because I certainly would have wanted to. 
 
Acceptance?  Yes - he taught that.  He practiced it.  Who was Jesus hanging with?  The rich?  The powerful?  The stars?  Ummmm don't think so.  Nope he was hanging out with hookers, and theives and tax collectors (who more or less then were filed under thieves) and a bunch of fishermen.  He touched lepers when to touch a leper meant the risk of getting leprosy yourself.  He healed and cared for the sick, grieving, blind and poor.  And I'm 'supposed' to what?  Yeah - I have decided to follow Jesus on that front. 
 
Legislating His Beliefs into Law?  Nope,  Not in the Bible.  It was 'render unto Cesear what is Cesear's.'  To me, in modern terms this means that we follow the laws - even when we don't agreee with them.  We live in a wonderful, Federal Republic that uses democracy to elect our leaders.  Please, go speak at the ballet box.  But meanwhile it is okay if not everyone agrees with us.  That Federal Republic I mentioned gives us freedom of speech & relgion.  I know, I know, many of you are afraid that they are going to take that away from us (or alternately  afraid that the relgious crazies are going to force it upon you). 
 
Frankly, we have four plus months until the election and I'm not sure I'm going to make it there without a meltdown.  So pardon me while I don't reshare, retweet, or forward everything that comes my way.  I'm a tad weary.  Not just from all of this but other things as well.  And it makes me sad to see places I enjoyed - where I could keep track of family & friends and have a good laugh turn into battle grounds of opinionating. 

--
Milisa Henderson